


You like her better

by sophie_could_be_gayer



Category: BBC Merlin, Merlin (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26665192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophie_could_be_gayer/pseuds/sophie_could_be_gayer
Summary: Heavily based off of Conan Gray's "Heather"Gwen and Arthur are finally engaged, but how is merlin coping with it?
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68





	You like her better

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it :)  
> I've gotten a lottt of writer's block lately and don't know what to write so I thought I'd share this fic I wrote a while back.

Merlin had been in love with Arthur for years; his devotion and love for his king unwavering throughout. Yet he never spoke up, never dared tell his true feelings and ruin their strange friendship. Perhaps if he had he wouldn’t be here now.

The grass was cool and damp beneath his knees as he sat in the clearing, small drops of dew visible in the moonlight. The frigid air chilled him even through his jacket, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He didn’t know how long he had been out here, barely remembering running out of his chambers and into the forest, ignoring the worried calls from Gauis.

Fresh, hot tears rolled down his face, finally letting out months of frustration and agony. Shaky breaths break the silence of the night and the warlock found himself looking back on everything that had happened the last few years. Not the sorcerers and near-death experiences, but all those moments with his best friend. 

Arthur and him camping out on a mission, just the two of them enjoying a rare moment of relaxation. It had been freezing that night and the blonde had begrudgingly draped his cape over his servants' shoulders after complaining his shivering was getting annoying and “Honestly Merlin, you are such a girl,” but they both knew that this wasn’t the real reason. 

It was times like that, back when everything was simpler that Merlin let himself think that maybe something more was there. The fire between them lit up their faces as they shared a soft smile, and for a moment he could've sworn Arthur was blushing.

He still had that cloak, the nobleman had insisted on it, and he had been all too willing to accept. It stopped smelling like him after a while, but the soft fabric sitting in his bedroom cupboard still brought a blush to his face. 

Quiet evenings after long days. Both of them bantering and laughing in the solitude of his chambers. Arthur's blue eyes looked tired but were still full of amusement as he watched Merlin sing and complain as he worked. He was aware of the way the king’s eyes would follow each little movement and often found himself enjoying even his more tedious chores.

They had never been just friends, not really. Sometimes they would smile at each other when they were alone and it would feel like the rest of the world had faded away. Together, they had survived the impossible and whenever they did they clung to each other like they couldn’t bear to be apart. Whenever one of them was upset, the other would cheer them up and on particularly terrible nights they would fall asleep in each other's arms.

Around others, it just wasn’t the same. Sure, the entire kingdom knew they were friends, but they didn’t see the small glances and minuscule smiles as they joked about the boring nobles in council meetings. The world didn’t see the two men who would tear apart all of Albian for one another and often Arthur would act as if Merlin wasn’t even there. But that suited him just fine, the world didn't need to know as long as they had one another. 

That was until Gwen moved into the picture. She was an angel and a dear friend to them both for years, he should have been ready for this. He had encouraged their relationship, after all, only wanting happiness for both of them. It still hurt, watching his eyes light up as she walked past, a dumb smile and a blush covering his face whenever she’d look his way.

They stopped falling asleep together, stopped letting their hugs linger and their eyes meet. Whatever they had, had ended the moment he fell for her. As if the loss of affection wasn’t a cruel enough fate, Merlin had to serve at their side as Arthur laughed with someone else. Losing Freya was painful, but this was heartbreak, and he had a front-row seat. 

Nothing changed during the day at first, they still joked and fought, still driving the other nobles mad. Then slowly he felt himself shifting into the background. Gwen brought dinner and dined with him each night, a safe way to court without Uther's knowledge. Merlin sat at home, clinging to his bedsheets as he tried to hold back the tears. 

When Arthur was crowned king, he knew everything would change. The couple no longer hid from the crowds and their courtship became more and more known to the rest of Camelot. Merlin faded into the back. Outside he kept his chipper grin and answered the prat with his usual banter, but he felt his facade slipping. Each time he watched the blonde’s lips capture the maids a part of him broke. All he could do was look away and pray no one noticed his true feelings.

His eyes would follow her actions like they used to his. His cloak was wrapped around another’s shoulders as the warlock shivered by himself.

Despite it all, he couldn’t hate Gwen. She was good for Arthur and made him happier than he ever could. She was beautiful and kind, a perfect queen and a perfect bride in so many ways. Merlin was no fool. He knew the importance of an heir, the importance of marrying a woman. He noticed the way his body looked too small and the way his clothes were always covered in stains. He was all too aware of the secrets between them. He was nothing compared to her. Her silky, neat hair and perfectly clean clothes. Her perfect body and pretty face. She was everything he was not.

He never dared consider anything between them growing, but at least there was no one else. At least he could pretend they had something, that they weren’t just servant and master. Not just friends. It seems every dream must come to an end. 

Why couldn’t he just be happy for his friends? They were perfect for each other.

His tears had long stopped, his face is still sticky and unpleasant feeling. His legs and hands feel numb. He should have told him, three simple words. It is too late now, tonight was the night Arthur planned to propose, and there is no way she turned him down. 

It was too late.

Dark clouds started to form around him as he let his magic break free. The wind picked up and swirled around him, but he felt nothing. Nothing but the pain. The sharp pull in his chest as his heart broke to pieces. No spells left his lips, yet the storm continued to grow around him until he could see nothing but blurry leaves and twigs flying by. 

Pure magic surrounded him as his memories started to manifest around him. Arthur falling asleep with his head on his shoulder. The two of them hugging each other in a tight embrace. All their gentle touches, and the almost-kisses. The blushes and the laughter. The jokes and the banter. Everything good. Everything as it was meant to be. His eyes ached, and he let them slowly flutter to a shut.

**Author's Note:**

> This felt really sure and definitly wasn't my best but I'm just proud I actually finished it.


End file.
